I'd Rather Kill the One Responsible for Falling Stars at Night
by WishingSebastianStanwasMyMan
Summary: Bucky is sick. He was normal once. That was before everything happened- the voices in his head, the violent urges and God forgive him- the murders, the killing spree everyone's talking about but he can't remember. He's having trouble remembering a lot of things. However, Steve won't believe that. Warnings for rape, self-harm, abuse of every kind- there's more warnings inside.
1. Prologue ::

The following fic contains: Rape, Non-con Elements, Aftermath of Rape, Torture, Aftermath of Torture, Psychological torture, Omegaverse- (knotting, heat cycles), Omega!Bucky, Alpha!Steve, Mpreg, Death, Violence, Brain Washing, Insanity, Angst, Suicidal attempts and thoughts, Self-Harm and assassinations.

Also, this fic is purposely written with the time frame out of order to reflect Bucky Barnes' state of mind.

Enjoy!

* * *

"You understand that he's dangerous, don't you?" The psychiatrist asked with a cold tone. Her thin eyebrows furrowed as she awaited a reply from the scrawny young man sitting across from her.

The young man's hand rose to push his dirty blond hair out of his face, his cobalt blue eyes glancing around at the near empty room. He shifted uncomfortably in the hard metal seat. He licked his lips, before hoarsely whispering. "I do."

"Then why come back for him?"

"Um-"

"Why visit him everyday?"

"I… I care for him."

She looked slightly bewildered. "He's killed nine people. And you would've been the tenth." She stated.

At this, the young man's eyes filled with tears. His hands slid up from griping the table and shifted towards the scars at his neck and chest. His fingers ran over the jagged one right over his throat and then traced the few on his chest through the fabric of his shirt lightly. They were both a grim reminder and a parting gift of sorts from his best friend.

"I-I know this, Ma'am…."

"Boy, you could've died."

"I've got the scars to prove it too. But, I don't blame him."

"Why?"

"Bucky's sick. He's just sick."

"He's a monster, Steve-"

"No, he's not." Steve interrupted, a flash of anger in his eyes. He could remember every vivid detail of him. Such as the way they used to curl up before they went to sleep, Bucky's arms wrapped around his waist with their hands clasping each other's and their fingers intertwined and Bucky's chest flush against Steve's back.

The way he always made sure that Steve was okay and well taken care of when he was sick. The man who dusted him off after he got into fights in various alleyways, before going after and beating the daylights out of those who went after Steve in the first place. He'd take Steve home and clean him up, dress any little cuts or wounds he got and soothe and reassure Steve after the kid got into his post-fight sort of depression; Bucky listening to Steve rant about how he couldn't back down, how he lamented his lack of strength before Bucky would scold him slightly for the fight and put his insecurities at ease.

He'd never forgot the way Bucky smiled and laughed. His kind blue eyes and the way the corner of his eyes crinkled with his smiles. And his eyes sometimes changed from it's normal blue to various shades of light and dark blues. Bucky had been the sort of man who'd walk dames home to make sure nothing bad happened to them and was polite to his elders and sweet to little children in spite of his quick and snarky mouth.

How could that man be a ruthless killer?

"So- do tell me, Steve… When is a monster not a monster?" She asked and tears slipped down Steve's cheeks- because _God, _it wasn't fair. He paused for a moment before he bit his lip, shaking his head.

"When you love it." He managed to choke out; fingers pressed on his the scars that were etched right on the portion of his chest that his heart lay beneath.

* * *

Author's note: so, here's my first Stucky fic. Please review and all that. No flames, I will not dignify them with a response. Most of this fic is AO3, so I plan to upload all the chapters. Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter One ::

Warning: Violence, Insanity and hallucinations.

* * *

Bucky wasn't feeling too well on this particular morning, but that wasn't going to get of his way of working today. He knew going to the docks while he had a cold wasn't a brilliant idea but Steve and him were several months behind on rent. As if he knew Bucky was thinking of him, Steve mumbled in his sleep.

He hoped that Steve wouldn't get out of bed today. And he shouldn't even try. Poor kid had had a particularly awful asthma attack two days ago that left him weaker than he already was. But, hell had it scared Bucky. He could only remember carrying Steve, intent on rushing him to a hospital- hoping he'd be okay, that this wouldn't be the time he was too late.

Luckily, Steve began breathe normally on his own after a few minutes of terror for the both of them. He listened to Bucky's steady breaths, before mimicking them-which was a trick they used to use when they were kids and Steve got his asthma attacks. After a while he managed to breath normally. Or as normally as Steve could, considering he was as aforementioned asthmatic and his breath always was coming out in little wheezes.

With all of this and his condition in consideration, Bucky didn't want to leave Steve alone. So, he'd asked their landlady to keep an ear out for Steve. By an ear out, she was going to stay in the apartment, in the exact same room with Steve until Bucky got home. Steve could object all he wanted, and believe Bucky- he did. But, eventually he gave in.

He knew there was no chance Bucky would take when it came to his fragile health and because of that he had scheduled a doctor's appointment for this morning, just so he could make sure he wasn't coming down with something serious that could potentially be contagious and that Steve could catch-

Bucky's eyes flew open, he was covered in sweat, his breaths harsh as his chest rose unsteadily.

How long had it been?

How long had since he had first came to this place?

"_Buh-Bucky!" _

Bucky tried to sit up at the sound of screaming.

It was Steve.

"Steve?" Bucky gasped his friend's name hoarsely.

"_BUCKY-" _His name was cut off with a shrill scream of pure agony. "_NONONON- HELP! HELP ME!"_

Bucky tried to get up, get up from this awful chemical smelling bed- but his body couldn't throw off these horrendous restraints. "STEVE! I-" Now Bucky was being cut off as a group of doctors swarmed the room. They were talking fast, Bucky couldn't understand them, their hands were on him and they held him down as he tried to struggle.

"Stop! Please!" Bucky begged.

"Shut up, boy." One of the doctors snapped.

"Please, my friend-"

"Shh." Another whispered harshly.

"No- I- My friend Steve is _hurt_-"

One of the doctors backhanded him. Bucky's eyes rolled in the back of his head. He felt a prick of pain in his arm and they forced his mouth open. They poured something down it and then fluids. He choked and sputtered trying to breathe. He thought he was going to die for a second. his eyes were drooping. He tried opening them. The doctors were still in his room. They were standing over him.

"Please." He gasped.

_Steve._

_I need to help Steve._

He could almost see him now. His sharp facial features, slim frame, his hands that seemed so big for his body, yet so delicate. Steve's soft smell and the way when they slept in the same bed he could always smell him- sunshine, apples and the cheap shampoo they could scarcely afford.

Then he saw a flash of Steve's face distorted in pain.

"_Bucky! Please! NO! NO! SOMEONE- AGHHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"_

Bucky opened his eyes, squinting a little. He needed to find Steve. Oh, God. If something happened to him while he was unconscious… he'd never forgive himself-

The doctors were talking in the corner of his room. He paused and strained to hear their whispers. His heart stopped when he heard one of the doctors hiss something under his breath.

No.

No.

Please.

Not Steve.

The doctor on the left had whispered-

"When do you think should we tell him his friend is dead?"

* * *

So, I finished chapter 1. Here you go. I did some research and I read somewhere that sleeping pills were used around the 1940s, but I couldn't find anything for them being used in asylums- so excuse the historic inaccuracies. I'm afraid there maybe a few in this fic in later chapters and what not.

Forgive any misspellings or grammatical errors. I check throughly, but always miss a few anyways.

I understand parts of this maybe a bit confusing, but it will be answered later in the fic, I promise.

Here's my tumblr: .com.

Anyways, please comment! I'll update again sometime this week. c:

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. :D


	3. Chapter Two ::

Warning for violence and medical treatment from the 1940s (an ice bath.)

* * *

Steve was lying in bed, watching the afternoon's sun gleaming and shining. But, he felt like he was going to be sick to his stomach.

It was so hard- being here without Bucky. Their landlady came to check on him often. However, it did nothing to dull or ease his pain. He had no friends really, none but Bucky.

Why Bucky?

Why did this this have to happen to him?

Why?

All he and Steve were just looking for- had ever been was a small patch of sun in all of this shade, for the stars in the night sky. But, it was gone. The sun was blotted out. The stars were falling, crashing down to earth. There was no soft place to rest their tired heads, this night was consuming them.

It wasn't fair.

He was so angry. He wanted to bring Bucky home. He wanted to take this pain and just stop it, stop it all. He needed Bucky. He needed him so desperately. He couldn't help the feeling. He would fight to bring Bucky home. Steve would fight anyone or anything to bring Bucky home- from that horrid, cold dark place. He wanted to fight this.

Yet, this wasn't some schoolyard bully, some creep chasing some poor dame's skirt, nor someone who was picking on him.

This was Bucky being gone- Bucky being sick.

No matter what someone said-what anyone said, he'd always believe in and love Bucky. He was sick. He wouldn't have hurt any of the people he did, otherwise. He wouldn't have brutally murdered them. He wouldn't have tried to kill Steve.

Bucky's mercy was the only reason he was living.

Steve knew Bucky hadn't been himself when he came home, before he chased him, pinned him down as he struggled and stabbed him. He could tell because his eyes- they were so vacant and dead, and so cold. He hadn't looked mad until Steve ran away, until Steve fought back.

His hand pressed against the scar over his heart again.

"Bucky." Steve sobbed, as if Bucky's name was in fact a prayer and he was a guilty sinner.

* * *

Steve heard the creaking of the door as it opened.

"Hi, Buck. How was work?"

Silence greeted the slender blond man.

Steve sighed.

"That bad, huh? Surprised you're not running your mouth, yet." He said sarcastically, making sure the soup he specifically made since he knew Bucky still wasn't feeling good even after his visit to the doctor's, was covered. He turned around and promptly bumped into something solid.

"Ouch." He mumbled as a hand grasped his waist and steadied him. Steve looked up, lips poised to form the word "thank you'" to Bucky, when the words caught in his throat and died on his tongue.

Bucky's bright blue eyes were dark, his pupils were blown- so much that all that remained of that pretty pale blue that Steve loved, was merely a sliver of the pale blue ringed around the dense black.

"U-Uh, thanks." Steve managed to gasp out.

Bucky was still silent.

"H-How?" Steve coughed and wheezed briefly before adding. "H-How long have you been standing there?"

Bucky pushed past Steve, making the frail young man stumble. He went for the counter and grabbed a knife. Steve was standing in the opening of the kitchen.

"Bucky?"

He smiled in response. It was a cruel one. It didn't belong on Bucky's face. It distorted his handsome features. He looked vicious. He looked like a mad dog; Steve's heart was thumping painfully in his chest.

"Quiet, Steve."

"Buck-"

Bucky lunged at Steve, who moved out of the way as fast he could. Still, the stab meant for his chest slashed at his arm, causing Steve to cry out in pain.

"Bucky? Stop! What are you doing?"

Steve's eyes opened and his body was covered in a light sweat.

A knock at the door was what awoke Steve.

"You all right, son?" The elderly landlady asked.

Steve nodded slowly.

"Need anything?"

"No, ma'am. No, thank you." Steve replied politely.

She nodded and closed the door as she left.

He knew what he really needed.

To see Bucky.

* * *

Bucky awoke with a dry mouth and eyes filled with tears.

Steve can't be dead.

Bucky needed to get out. Find his Steve- had he really thought his Steve? No. Steve was his own person. But, Bucky needed him. He needed Steve to hold during the cold nights. To bring light into this cruel world he was stuck in now.

"James."

Bucky's eyes shifted to glance at the nurse. She was pretty with long blonde hair that was drawn up in a bun and green eyes, but her face looked cruel. Her expression spoke volumes of anger. Bucky didn't think he had ever been afraid of a dame- he'd gotten nervous around his fair share, of course- but she looked evil.

"James!" She said, louder this time.

Bucky tried to scoot away from her as she advanced towards the bed, but he was strapped down. His heart was hammering in his chest loud and clear.

"Remember me?"

"No, ma'am. I... um... 'fraid I don't."

She gave him a dirty look.

"Quit flappin' your lips, boy."

"No need for the hostility, miss." Bucky said quietly. She looked positively livid and pursed her lips. "Hmm. I've got half a mind to leave you here to rot." She whispered, her hands grasping his arm and digging her long nails into the flesh.

Bucky let out a moan of pain and tried to move away from her, but she grinned. "Does it hurt, James?" She asked. He inhaled a deep breath, his body shuddering. She removed her hand and before Bucky could open his mouth to complain about the crescent marks on his skin, deep enough to draw blood- she was hitting him.

At first they were only slaps to the face. But, then they changed into her fists, slamming into his face over and over again. He couldn't even fight back. Not that he'd ever hit a dame- but he just wanted to make her stop.

He had to get away from this hellhole.

"Please, stop." He grit out, his voice hoarse. Merely from the amount of pain he was feeling, his nose felt broken, his lip was torn, and truthfully, his entire face ached.

She glared at him and raised her fist, ready to strike again.

Just then a doctor walked in.

"Remember your place, dear. We've got tests to run. Don't damage him too much."

She glared, her mouth twisting.

"I had to subdue him."

"I understand. The better ways."

She arched an eyebrow and the older man rolled his eyes.

"Prepare him a bath."

* * *

They submerged him in a tub filled with water so cold it was like ice. His teeth chattered and he shivered, but he couldn't get out. The restraints and the blanket- or cloth… Whatever it was over the bathtub with only a hole for his head to poke out through.

The rest of his body was under the water. He shuddered and looked around, one man had screamed and cried when they shoved him into a scalding hot tub, while another person, a young dame- cried soundlessly as they put her into the cold water.

He wanted to be somewhere else, he needed to get out of here.

Someone was screaming at the end of the row of people in bathtubs, this man was begging to be let out of the water, as it was hot- so hot.

"Am I in hell?!"

"Please be quiet." A dame sobbed pleadingly.

"WHY AM I IN HELL?" The man screamed louder, while the dame sobbed harder.

Bucky shivered. The water was so cold it felt like thousands of knives were stabbing into his skin. He inhaled, but he couldn't stop the tears flowing down his cheeks.

It was agony.

_ Hold on, Bucky._

_Stay strong for Steve._

He was going to get out of here; he'd get Steve out too. He heard Steve calling for him earlier. He'd save him. Then, they'd go somewhere far away, where they'd be safe. They'd be far away from the people who'd dare try to hurt his precious friend.

_Don't worry._

_I'm coming, Steve._

* * *

Steve had a lump in his throat as he walked slowly towards the dark gray building. It was time to see him again. Hopefully, Bucky would remember him this time. It had been nearly 10 months since they last saw each other.

_Don't worry, Bucky. _

_I'm here for you._

_I'll always be here._

_'Till the end of the line._

* * *

Hi! Please comment. I'd love some feedback to know how you feel about the story and the direction it's going in. What you like and such.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!


	4. Chapter Three ::

Warning the following is below: unwanted sexual advances/attempted rape, humiliation, violence, a murder, faking insanity. Read at your own risk. If any of those things are triggers, I suggest all together skipping the chapter.

* * *

Bucky was beginning to lose feeling in his body before they finally came to him, unlatched the restraints, and pulled out the cover then a male doctor in his 30s or so, pulled him out. Bucky nearly fell to his knees, shivering. The man tugged at Bucky violently, causing him to fall to the floor.

"Get up, fathead."

"I ain't movin'. I can't. Hurts too much." Bucky huffed.

"Move or I'm letting you have it." The man hissed.

Bucky bit his lip before shaking his head. The man raised his fist and Bucky jerked away and tucked his head in. The blow meant for his jaw landed on the top of his head. He cried out in pain and tried to avoid the next. The man grabbed him the ear, and pulled him up and into the hallway without even grabbing a robe or towel to mask Bucky's nakedness.

"We're going to go visit the dames." The man said quietly.

"Huh?" Bucky asked.

They turned down a corner, and then they were in a small room with a few female patients and nurses. "Look, ladies." The man said, smirking. He shoved Bucky onto the floor. Most of the patients were tucked away into their bed, restraints holding them in place.

Some stared up at the ceiling, a few at the wall. The rest including the nurses cast their gaze upon him. Some of those dames went scarlet at the view of Bucky, while others smirked or simply looked away. Bucky felt a rush of shame. These complete strangers were staring at his body.

The nurse- from earlier in the day- the blonde one was eyeing him hungrily. He knew dames found his muscles, which were from working so hard at the docks attractive. Apparently, his face was also a part of that equation as he was told quite a few times that he had a "face handsome enough for pictures".

But, he felt sick to his stomach. Her lingering stare was unsettling him. There was nothing wrong with a dame having some moxie, of course. Hell, Bucky thought it was attractive even- but her stare wasn't like that… it burned. It was predatory. She was the hunter and he was at her mercy.

He was merely prey.

He needed to get out of here. Wherever he was. He kept smelling this weird smell, his eyes were focused on the ceiling so he didn't have to look at the people who were staring at him, though most had looked away. The doctor still stood there, to ensure Bucky wouldn't try to leave.

Bucky needed to get out.

* * *

Steve had just begged the receptionist to allow him in. But, she refused. She said Bucky was acting too unstable. It wasn't safe for Steve.

He thought about faking a few tears, but he was a terrible liar. Besides, he promised himself ever since his parent's funeral that he'd only cry if it were something to really cry over. Because, he wouldn't do it if it didn't mean a thing or wasn't nearly as bad as it was made out to be.

But, this was Bucky. He thought maybe he could fake an asthma attack and they'd take pity on him- just then he caught a whiff of a female beta's scent that was rank with terror.

He absolutely abhorred the scent of the place; all of the chemicals scents, the foul stench of fear and panic. He couldn't even smell Bucky's omega scent through here. Last time he had, it was one of distress; Bucky looked shaken and his eyes had dark circles beneath them. And when Steve asked about his scent, Bucky looked confused.

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I can't smell your scent anymore, Bucky."_

_"I ain't got no scent, Steve. Unless, I haven't bathed in a while. Is that what you're meaning? Do I stink?"_

_ Steve frowned worriedly."No. Nothing like that. But, you're an omega- this can't be healthy." He stated._

_ "I'm a what?"_

Bucky had holes in his memory and even had whole months, pieces of information... Just gone. But, Steve couldn't jog his memory- or when he tried to, the nurses and doctors would take him away and Steve would be forbidden from seeing him again for a while. Then, he'd see him again and he'd have new holes in his memory.

So, he couldn't he couldn't take Bucky home.

Not yet, at least.

He needed a plan.

So, he sucked in a deep breath before allowing his tears free, the ones he had held in for not being able to see Bucky. The receptionist looked at him worriedly as Steve began to sob now, body trembling. He knew what a sorry sight he was. A sickly looking Alpha, crying his eyes out.

"Mister-"

"Why is the sky blue?" Steve sobbed, saying the first oddest thing he could come up with.

"Huh?"

Steve halted his tears and glared. "Wasn't talkin' to you." He replied.

* * *

It took Steve screaming utter madness to get himself committed. But, it had worked. Now, here he was in this near empty room. He just needed to find Bucky and they could escape before dawn came.

He knew dinner would be soon. So, he could push past the nurse who brought his food or maybe sneak off then he'd have to find Bucky's room. He knew where it was. But, Steve was unfamiliar with this corridor.

He just needed to be patient.

_I'm coming for you, Bucky._

Soon he and Bucky would be out of here. Then, they could go somewhere nice. Another state. Somewhere warm most of the year. Somewhere Bucky could recover in peace, calm and complete tranquility. Nothing would come between them again.

He hid behind the door as it opened, when young nurse came through with his food, he pushed her and she stumbled, the tray of food crashing everywhere. Steve ran into the hall, he then took a turn at a room and rushed inside.

He put his hand over his chest as he began wheezing.

_Calm down._

_Breathe._

He found a doctor's clothing hanging up. It took him a moment to realize he had ended up in a locker room of sorts. At any rate, he needed to get Bucky out now. So, he quickly discarded the thin patient's gown he had been given and changed into the doctor's coat.

"Sir?"

Steve turned around.

"Yes?" He replied.

"We need your help, immediately. We had an omega on suppressants, but she seems to be having a bad reaction."

Steve froze, but recovered his senses and nodded.

Then, he was following an older doctor with sliver gray hair to the dames' ward. He froze when he walked through the door. Bucky was kneeling on the floor, shivering, his face was flushed a bright red and- Steve nearly snarled, he was naked. Not only that, but he had several bruises and cuts on his face and a blonde nurse hovered over him. Bucky huffed and glanced upward.

Their eyes met.

Bucky smiled as if to say, I knew you were coming.

Steve mouthed the words "I'll get you out."

Steve kept getting dragged all around. So far, no one seemed to recognize him. He doubted it'd stay that way for long. He needed to get back to Bucky and get back to him soon.

It was maybe hours when he and that odd blonde nurse were left alone.

"Stand, James."

Bucky jerkily got his feet.

She looked him over again.

"Such a fine specimen." She murmured.

"Huh?" Bucky said, then he was being shoved towards the wall and next thing he knew he was pinned against it. "You'd smell better if you were off the suppressants." She mumbled.

"What?" He asked, confused.

Her attention was caught on his mouth, her fingers then reached to trace the outline off it. When he tried to slap her arm away, she growled deep in her chest at him. Bucky felt a pinch of fear in his chest.

As her fingers traced his plumps lips, he was practically cringing, his mind and body screaming that this needed to stop. That something like this happened before. But he was so scared. He was afraid to fight back. Then, her fingers slid into his mouth. He opened it, intent on biting her- when she glared at him and her hand grabbed his throat.

"Bite me and I'll let you have it. Then, I'll have them make you forget again." She darkly in a sinister tone.

Bucky nodded.

"Suck them."

Bucky gave her a questioning and alarmed look.

"Oh, you stupid dreamboat. I'm going to fuck you so hard."

He tilted his head away. "Hate to burst your bubble, but you can't-"

As if answering his question, she pushed her hips against his.

It wasn't possible. He must have really gone mad.

He felt her...her length.

"Get away! I ain't letting you-"

She slapped him hard, before she then kicked him in the crotch. "You talk to Alphas like this all the time, sweet cheeks? Or is it just me? You like it rough, baby?" She asked, kneeling down and gripping his hair and pulling his head back. She kissed his neck and bit down hard, Bucky let out a pained moan.

"St-Stop..." He pleaded.

She groaned in disappointment.

"Awww. Your glands aren't there. Must be the suppressants. Or maybe they removed them. I don't care though. Still want you." She remarked.

"Lea-Leave me alone. I don't want-"

"Yes, you do."

"No." Tears were pooling in his eyes and his body was shaking.

"Shh."

"No. No. Please. Stop." Bucky begged.

"SHUT UP!" She roared.

Bucky didn't cower though, instead he felt anger rise in his chest and he met her eyes and fixed her with a cold glare.

"Don't give me that look."

Bucky blinked.

"Kill her." He heard a harsh voice whisper.

Bucky blinked again, this time it took longer for him to open his eyes.

Though, when they did open, he saw his hands were stained red and he felt warm sticky fluids on him. He looked down and saw blood.

Then, he noticed the body.

The nurse's right arm was twisted, her once beautiful and cruel face a bloody mess, chunks of her hair torn out, her neck was bruised black, her head was bleeding, her chest and arms covered in scratches.

Bucky shuddered.

He had done this.

Just then the door opened.

"Bucky?"

He turned at the sound of his name and saw an angel. Or rather someone who was close enough to being one.

"Steve." Bucky sobbed, gratefully.

* * *

So, I began to put more of the omegaverse stuff in. I know it's kind of confusing now, but I plan to explain it in later chapters, I promise. I also plan to update soon with a longer chapter, hopefully.

Excuse any typos or grammatical errors, I try to check throughly but always end up missing a few anyways.

Please comment, subscribe, bookmark, kudos and all that fun stuff!

Thank you for reading.

I hope you enjoyed. c:


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